The Making of An Obituary
Ideas for sharing your stories with loved ones
Do you read obituaries? I don’t think I have ever asked anyone that - I thought it was another one of those strange quirks I developed as a teenager. As I age, I have decided that the modern version of an obituary has become a bit boring.
Where are the stories?
Last month, while scrolling through the New York Times I saw the “Notable Deaths of 2023” section. Predictably, notable is aligned with achievement of some kind. Many people are famous and recognizable because of their cultural contributions. But, there are many who, depending on your interests, you may not recognize nor even know that their area of notability was a thing to be known for.
The NY Times is one of the few media outlets with a full-time writing staff dedicated to researching and writing obituaries, referred to, with proper gallows humor, as the “dead beat.” The documentary film, Obit, follows the daily work of these writers, charged with telling the stories of people’s lives. They invest considerable research into understanding who the people are, what they achieved or are known for, who they may be associated with, how they died, and the people they left behind.
“Obituaries have next to nothing to do with death, and absolutely everything to do with life,” says NYT obituary writer Margalit Fox.
Each of us has a unique story and stories are what make us human. Our stories are more complex than Instagram photos of our travels, or our most recent purchase. Years ago, I read an obituary that stays with me to this day: A woman, decidedly not NYT notable, had spent her life raising a large family and serving her small community. Then, with a couple of sentences, it offered a deeper glimpse into her life by stating that the deaths of two of her children devastated her, and she lived with the “burden of great sadness” for the rest of her life. Suddenly, this person came alive as I imagined the emotional pain she endured and the impact on her family.
This is who we are. People with stories of joy, sadness, fun, challenges, traumas, kindness, pain, celebrations, losses, achievements, and regrets.
Why not write your obituary offering your stories?
“I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and share not just my triumphs, not just the things that felt good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigating pain. It is important to share how I know survival is survival and not just a walk through the rain.” - Audre Lord
One of the regrets I have is not learning more about my family’s history and its stories. Now as I try to research my ancestors’ lives, it all data: birth, marriage, immigration, military service, and death. That’s it? We are dates and numbers. I have so many questions and no one to ask.
In early 2023, I sent off a tube of my saliva to Ancestry and was surprised to learn that over a third of my DNA is linked to Eastern Europe & Russia. I had no idea; in less than 100 years, any cultural traditions or stories were lost. Ancestry connected me to a second cousin, and she shared more life data but no stories. I wish I had invested more time listening and asking my elders questions. I want to know why my great-grandmother died at age 30, leaving two little girls with their father, who never remarried. Why did one of those little girls never marry? What circumstances created the void for my grandmother to sink into a lifetime of closeted alcoholism? Why did my paternal grandmother become involved with a man 20 years older than her and marry him (the data indicates she was pregnant)? Why did my ancestors leave their European homelands? There are no journals, diaries, or recorded family histories left behind.
Author Susan Wittig Albert has written several books about developing our stories, stressing that women’s stories are lost among the historically male-dominated recording of history. The life stories of ordinary women, those of us not notable, are seldom told. Is it time to tell our stories? Sharing what we want people to know about our lives? Can we tell our family about both the joys and grief of our lives?
Susan Wittig Albert has written two books to help us tell our stories:
Writing From Life: For Women With Stories to Tell
“Women’s stories must be told, so that the women who come after us will know how it really was, so that they know that their mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers are more than just the characters in men’s tales, that we are dimensional, intentional beings with minds of our own, wills of our own, dreams of our own. You and I are the only ones who can tell those stories, because we are the only ones who have lived them. By telling them—by telling our real, true woman’s story—we will challenge and correct all the myths and made-up stories about women’s lives. We will show that women’s lives aren’t lived as men have taught us to imagine them. Our stories are more than idle gossip, family chitchat, more than old wives’ tales—although they are these things, too, and isn’t that wonderful?”
Starting Points: A Year of Writing Prompts for Women With Stories to Tell
“In this collection of fifty-two of my favorite quotations from wise women, accompanied by some of my own thoughts inspired by those wise words, and some questions for you—enough rich material to keep you going for at least five writing sessions. Each of the weekly quotations gives you a starting point from which to write, encourages you to range freely from that starting point, and urges you to write every day, even if only for a few minutes. I invite you to read the words carefully, take them to heart, explore them--and write. Write eagerly, write joyfully, write fearlessly. Write to try out new ideas, imagine new things. Write to learn the truth. Write to be real. And as you do, count yourself among the wise women.”
There are many other books about writing memoirs but not all of us are ready to start with that goal. Keeping a journal or digital document to record your responses to the ideas and prompts offered in these two books may lead to a memoir, but the writing can also serve the writer’s need to express her thoughts or become part of a woman’s legacy - the ultimate gift of her life story.
Susan’s belief in the promise and importance of women’s stories moved her to start the StoryCircle Network which offers workshops, webinars, and opportunities to develop our writing skills.
“Stories have to be told or they die and when they die, we can’t remember who we are or why we’re here.” Sue Monk Kidd
Another book I recommend is Yours Truly: The Obituary Writer’s Guide to Telling Your Story by James R. Hagerty. He offers tips, examples and stories about writing life stories and obituaries.
Storytelling can take many forms. Don’t let your perception that you don’t write well hold you back. Just begin the process of exploring and recording your story. Don’t think you have much to tell? Dig deeper.
Ways to Share Your Life’s Story
Are you a natural storyteller? Gather with loved ones regularly and orally share your life.
Record your storytelling via video or audio for future generations.
Ask a friend or family member to interview you on video.
Writing
Write letters to loved ones, offering glimpses into who you were and are.
Set up a blog, and publish essays, poetry, and photos about you and your life story.
Write a memoir about a specific time in your life or write a chronological autobiography.
Start with a diary, recording each day’s events. Eventually, the stories will show up.
Keep a journal that you won’t mind sharing with others.
What to Share
Share all aspects of who you are:
Roles/titles you have assumed and earned (e.g., partner, parent, friend, caretaker of animals or people, professional titles) and what they mean to you.
Identify adjectives that describe all aspects of you (caring, impatient, sensitive, loud, assertive, etc). Dive deep into those words: give examples of how you demonstrate them.
Share how you feel your parents, siblings, partners, and friends describe you.
Define the values, morals, and/or ethics that have guided your behavior.
What is the wildest thing you have ever done?
What are your passions, favorite hobbies, and everyday activities you enjoy the most?
Define accomplishments that were the most meaningful for you.
What are the mistakes or decisions that you would like to do over or change?
What are the mistakes or decisions that you learned valuable lessons from?
What kind of life did you envision when you were young?
What are the challenges or burdens that you overcame?…Or didn’t and their impact on your story?
What traumas, anxieties, and fears restrained or altered your energy and direction?
What influences, mentors, and experiences altered your life story dramatically?
What specific ways have you matured in each decade of your life?
Share the losses in your life: loss of dreams, lost opportunities, and loss of friends.
Share the gains in your life: dreams realized, opportunities taken, and important relationships.
Describe the healing and love you have experienced.
Finish this prompt: Before I die…
Other Creative Projects to Share
Write a family cookbook and include stories about culinary and family traditions, funny stories about your cooking, and favorite foods. Have it professionally printed and gift it to family members. (My mother typed up pages of recipes and gave copies to me. It had some of her recipes but it was mostly recipes of sweet things that she copied from cookbooks. She never made them when I was a child. But those recipes revealed how much my mother loved sweet goodies. I smile each time I look through those recipes.)
Scrapbooking has long been a way of sharing memories about our lives. Check out digital scrapbooking to avoid printing hundreds/thousands of digital photos. More importantly, write stories about what those photos show. That long road trip where your children argued nonstop? What happened at the cabin you rented for a week on a lake?
Design and sew a quilt using squares depicting a significant event in your life, or use paint to create images from your life.
Knit, crochet, or weave items for friends and families, and include an essay or journal of your time and process while making the items. Describe the importance of fiber work in your life’s journey.
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Do you have more ideas or creative strategies for telling your stories?