Ageism is Alive and Well
And it will shorten your life
In 2020, my sister called me and said that my 79-year-old mother and 82-year-old stepfather should not be driving. She lived close to them, saw them each week, and said she was increasingly concerned about their ability to live independently. There had been mix-ups with the many medications they took; my stepfather had fallen asleep in an Arizona parking lot - in the 105 degrees - after grocery shopping, a side effect of a drug that had a warning about not driving. When I called my mom to discuss our concerns, she dismissed them as overreactions. She insisted they were “just fine.”
I am a problem-solver. For 20 years, I advised college students, guiding them through their college experience, troubleshooting issues, and offering support so they could achieve their goals. I did my research and almost always found solutions.
Armed with a file folder of resources and suggestions I spent hours researching, I arrived for my annual visit with my family the following month. I sat down with them in their living room and enthusiastically shared what I had gathered. I discovered numerous transportation options and suggested that we tour some senior living apartments while I was there.
They were not impressed, nor were they interested. Their demeanor changed, and they became defensive and angry. They made it clear: they were not moving, and they were not giving up driving. Period.
I became frustrated and left for a long walk. I couldn’t understand why they were being so unreasonable. And why were they angry about all of the research I had done? Didn’t my mother remember her “driving talk” with her 75-year-old father after his third accident in one month?
It took me a while to figure out what went wrong. Instead of treating my folks as mature adults with well-established lifestyles, I viewed their situation as a problem to fix. I just needed to give them the correct information so they could make good choices. It didn’t occur to me to ask them about their feelings, concerns, or how I could best help them.
In my defense, my role in our family dynamics had appointed me as the practical and responsible one. Unlike my mother and stepfather, I researched and planned before I made decisions; their emotions ruled their decision-making. Many of their choices negatively affected their health and finances. Family dynamics can be subtle; my behavior was partially rooted in those behaviors I learned long ago.
With more reflection, I wondered if ageism had influenced my behavior toward my aging parents. In the Global Report on Ageism, published by the World Health Organization in 2021, ageism is defined as “stereotypes (thoughts), prejudice (feelings), and discrimination (actions or behavior).” Every culture has developed attitudes about two extremes of age: too young or too old. The Global Report notes that bias against older people “affects billions of people globally and constitutes both a serious and widespread human rights problem and a far-reaching public health problem.”
In case you have been on a remote island with no cell service or wifi (And you didn’t invite me?) during the last month, old age has been making the headlines. Two men, ages 81 and 78, are applying for a second chance to be president of the USA. The pundits, the political parties, the media, and the voters are trying to decide what is too old for what could be described as one of the most stressful jobs in the world. Politicians in the US like to keep their jobs once hired, and we have witnessed some who have incredible energy and vigor and others who had to be accompanied by staff and be reminded what they were voting for. The point is that aging varies widely, and many factors affect how we age.
Ageism is alive and well in all aspects of our culture. Our institutions and employers often employ ageist practices and beliefs. Interpersonal ageism occurs between two or more people in family and social settings. Self-directed ageism happens when we internalize our culture's beliefs and actions about aging. Some of us may have experienced ageism as a result of getting older:
Workplaces & Careers
Losing a job or failing to be hired or promoted
Restricting access to decision-making and opportunities for skill development
Mandating retirement at a specific age
Negative views of older workers being less productive, slow, or out of touch
Gatekeeping creative work because the creator is too old
Healthcare
Professionals dismissing physical complaints as just part of aging
Talking to older patients as if they were young children, referred to as “elderspeak”
Neglecting mental health conditions and elder or domestic abuse
Refusing to perform services and procedures; withholding treatment
Less attention, time, and care in healthcare settings
Limited research on nutrition, mental health, and clinical trials for older people
Interpersonal
Family members are impatient and dismissive of older people’s feelings
Cultural jokes and language that mock aging
Talked down to and shamed
Neglected or abused
Exploited and scammed
Viewed as a burden to family and society
Ageism is so prevalent and seemingly accepted that as we age, we may overlook the impact of it. However, researchers have determined that if we internalize cultural biases about aging, we can increase anxiety, accelerate cognitive decline, and contribute to depression and loneliness. It can shorten our lifespans by up to 7 1/2 years. Additional biases against gender and ableism only add to the impact of ageism.
The Global Report on Ageism thoroughly reviews biases and discrimination regarding age. The last third of the report offers strategies for combatting ageism and changing people's perceptions about age. I invite you to download the report and explore its evidence-based research.
Thinking back to my problem-solving visit with my folks, I don’t think a less ageist approach would have changed their minds. They were determined to stay where they were and to keep driving. My awareness about aging and how our culture views and treats older people has helped me to understand its influence on me. I am paying attention and ready to challenge not only my ageist actions and beliefs but those I encounter.
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I would love to hear about your encounters with ageism or the lessons you have learned about how you perceive aging.
I appreciate this post, Sue, having a father who's 87 with a wife who's 72. She's our buffer (for my sister and me) for his experience in the world. She caters to his every need.
She recently had breast cancer surgery (successful), but that was a wake-up call for both of us.
Our dad can still drive, but his wife does the bulk of that, as well as taking care of everything from meals to finances. He was a professor until 70, retired, then has continued to exercise and be relatively fit (I rode bikes with him last summer).
But I'm mindful that if she weren't able to take care of him, my sister and I will step in. We managed our mother's 10-year disability after some curious illness that left her paralyzed at 54. It's traumatic to even write that, I realize.
But definitely ageism is a thing. And we need to consider it in ourselves, too, I've realized. There's no reason for me to be fearful about being 69. Yes, I have aches and pains, but otherwise, I'm doing fine. And my hubbie, who's 71 , seems like he has abundant energy, and can work all day in the garden and go on long bike rides, with just a few aches and pains.
Thank you for this. Aging is hard to accept, in ourselves and our families. It is especially difficult with parents who are independently minded and continue to be in good health. I have found that it is best, in our family's circumstances, to make it clear I am prepared to help however I can, but allow Mom to carry on as she will. This gives respect for who she is, her abilities and her choices. This also means my sister and I stand by as she may continue to do some things we consider "not appropriate" for her age, like living on an isolated ranch by herself, especially in winters. But for her, it is her life, and we honor that as long as her health allows. In the past, and today in other societies, elders were revered and looked to for wisdom. I think we need to remember this.