Thank you for your honesty about your problem-solving conversation with your parents, Sue, and for this thoughtful look at ageism. One of the things I learned in tending both of my parents was that in their eyes, I would always be their kid, even when they were dependent on me. It was hard for them to admit they needed help, but if I offered thoughts and suggestions, listened to their responses and kept a sense of humor, it was much easier for them to listen to my ideas. I learned a lot from those difficult years (while dealing with my late husband's journey with brain cancer), and I hope I won't forget them when it comes time for me to make the hard decisions about my own capabilities. (Oh wait, I'm already doing that!) Keeping a sense of humor about the whole process is my best hope, I think.
Thank you for your honesty about your problem-solving conversation with your parents, Sue, and for this thoughtful look at ageism. One of the things I learned in tending both of my parents was that in their eyes, I would always be their kid, even when they were dependent on me. It was hard for them to admit they needed help, but if I offered thoughts and suggestions, listened to their responses and kept a sense of humor, it was much easier for them to listen to my ideas. I learned a lot from those difficult years (while dealing with my late husband's journey with brain cancer), and I hope I won't forget them when it comes time for me to make the hard decisions about my own capabilities. (Oh wait, I'm already doing that!) Keeping a sense of humor about the whole process is my best hope, I think.
Thank you for your honesty about your problem-solving conversation with your parents, Sue, and for this thoughtful look at ageism. One of the things I learned in tending both of my parents was that in their eyes, I would always be their kid, even when they were dependent on me. It was hard for them to admit they needed help, but if I offered thoughts and suggestions, listened to their responses and kept a sense of humor, it was much easier for them to listen to my ideas. I learned a lot from those difficult years (while dealing with my late husband's journey with brain cancer), and I hope I won't forget them when it comes time for me to make the hard decisions about my own capabilities. (Oh wait, I'm already doing that!) Keeping a sense of humor about the whole process is my best hope, I think.
Thank you for your comment, Susan. An insight I never considered: I was still their kid.
One of the interesting aspects of culture is our reluctance to ask and/or accept help. It's likely part of the "pull up your bootstraps" legacy, but I think it is more profound than that.
During this period, I called my adult son to vent my frustration, and in one phone call, he said: "Wait, slow down, I am taking notes!" It is a good reminder that I, too, need to consider my own abilities and preferences as I age.
My son, who has a wonderful sense of humor, asked, "Why did they view assisted care homes so negatively?" This will be the subject of one of my future newsletters.
I learned pretty quickly in dealing with my parents that they still considered me their kid even though they were relying on me (without acknowledging it). As I wrote in Bless the Birds, my memoir about that journey:
"We never expect to parent our parents, especially not dealing with their shit, metaphorical or literal. And the shift isn’t easy: physically, emotionally, or financially. No matter how lovingly intended, such caregiving is complicated by the fact that our parents rarely cede authority; in their minds, we’re still their kids, even when we’re wiping their butts. If we are fortunate, all concerned will come to a gracious—or at least resigned—acceptance. If not, we will do the best we can."
I ate a lot of chocolate--my comfort food-- the winter my mother was dying and Richard was between his second and third brain surgeries!
Asking for help is definitely not something I do well. My mom used to say, and she wasn't joking, that my first sentence was, "Do it myself!" I am teaching myself that asking for and accepting help doesn't mean you're not strong or capable. It just means you're smart enough to realize you can't do everything.
And I love that your son was taking notes. Yup, he knows he'll be talking about this all with you one day. Good thing he's getting prepared. :)
I like your sensitive and factual examination of ageism. Now that I am joining the ranks of older folks, my mind has been opening to my own attitudes, my own subtle ageist thoughts. Self-awareness matters a great deal--seeing those thoughts, whether I'm directing them toward myself or toward another. That helps me respond to individuals and situations more competently, I hope. At the same time, I cannot dismiss the limitations that age imposes upon me, even as I try to push myself forward in healthy ways. It's a juggling act. Posts such as the one you've just written help us all reflect and increase our awareness. Thank you.
thanks for your comment, Rick. Self-awareness is so important but I find it a bit more challenging when it comes to my aging changes. I hope I am able to easily adjust to the necessary changes as I age.
Thank you for this. Aging is hard to accept, in ourselves and our families. It is especially difficult with parents who are independently minded and continue to be in good health. I have found that it is best, in our family's circumstances, to make it clear I am prepared to help however I can, but allow Mom to carry on as she will. This gives respect for who she is, her abilities and her choices. This also means my sister and I stand by as she may continue to do some things we consider "not appropriate" for her age, like living on an isolated ranch by herself, especially in winters. But for her, it is her life, and we honor that as long as her health allows. In the past, and today in other societies, elders were revered and looked to for wisdom. I think we need to remember this.
You and your sister are following a respectful and wise path by providing emotional support for her choices. I plan to write more about the notion of being an elder in a culture that worships youth.
I have been down this path. My father died with Alzheimer's in 2007. My mother died in 2018 of various illnesses.
Now that I have had time to process all that has happened. Here is what I have learned.
I too only saw my parents from 3,000 miles away ( I lived here in the west Coast. They lived by the Atlantic coast.
When they were younger, only visiting 2x a year , ( or occasionally 1x). Worked FOR ME.
That schedule of me having " eyes on the ground," did not really work so infrequently. I was in denial and so were they.
In retrospect, I needed to be much more involved in the lives as they were in their 80s.
By the time we mutually realized the annual / semi annual visits were not enough, things has degraded.
VERY LONG STORY of trying to honor independence... which is very strong.
They needed my help ( or someone's) long before it became apparent. Once it was apparent... it was way past due. The river of denial runs long and deep. I will regret that forever.
What to do,? Up your visits. Be more engaged.
Are you on all their legal documents. Are you permitted legally to talk with their doctors,,?
Who pays the bills if one of them can't,?
Lots of questions..
No easy answers.
I am sorry. It is very complicated. So many questions to consider.
Your intro about , " my annual visit," woke me up.
It is a challenging situation when there are thousands of miles between our aging parents and adult children. After several strokes, my mother died at the end of 2021 and it was complicated by the pandemic. My sister who lived near them was able to deal with the some of the day-to-day things but it certainly a challenging time. I can relate to your feelings of regret. One of the motivating factors for starting this substack was to help each other understand how aging changes us. Thanks for your comment, Janet.
Good information and links Sue. Thank you for what you are doing to motivate our thinking about things we all need to bone-up on and be wise about. I plan to come back to this a little later in the week with thoughts on families and getting help when needed.
In the meantime, one sentence in your writing jumped out at me because it was almost exactly what my concerns are for President Biden. The sentence is " .... researchers have determined that if we internalize cultural biases about aging, we can increase anxiety, accelerate cognitive decline, and contribute to depression and loneliness." I truly wish someone who is knowledgeable about aging would speak to this issue as it regards to how Biden is being treated by the media, the Democratic Party and the DC beltway (Who think they are America!). HIs party in particular needs to speak repeatedly about his remarkable ability to move our country in a vigorous growth stream after the doldrums of Covid and the previous president. At least give the man credit for what he has done and still wants to do. I apologize if this offends anyone. I am not saying who anyone should vote for. I am saying we need to be better educated about aging and bullying and being a civil society.
Thank you Sandy for your comment. I am of the view that politics is part of our daily lives and we are fortunate to have the opportunity to voice our opinions. Many on this planet do not have that kind of agency. Your comment about being better educated about aging is the #1 strategy discussed in the the Global Report.
I appreciate this post, Sue, having a father who's 87 with a wife who's 72. She's our buffer (for my sister and me) for his experience in the world. She caters to his every need.
She recently had breast cancer surgery (successful), but that was a wake-up call for both of us.
Our dad can still drive, but his wife does the bulk of that, as well as taking care of everything from meals to finances. He was a professor until 70, retired, then has continued to exercise and be relatively fit (I rode bikes with him last summer).
But I'm mindful that if she weren't able to take care of him, my sister and I will step in. We managed our mother's 10-year disability after some curious illness that left her paralyzed at 54. It's traumatic to even write that, I realize.
But definitely ageism is a thing. And we need to consider it in ourselves, too, I've realized. There's no reason for me to be fearful about being 69. Yes, I have aches and pains, but otherwise, I'm doing fine. And my hubbie, who's 71 , seems like he has abundant energy, and can work all day in the garden and go on long bike rides, with just a few aches and pains.
We have a similar situation: my partner's mother is 84 and her husband is 75 and he has been her partner through breast cancer, bladder cancer, and a hip replacement.
Being more aware of how older people are percieved and treated is the first step to ensuring that as we age, we are treated with respect and compassion.
Thank you for your honesty about your problem-solving conversation with your parents, Sue, and for this thoughtful look at ageism. One of the things I learned in tending both of my parents was that in their eyes, I would always be their kid, even when they were dependent on me. It was hard for them to admit they needed help, but if I offered thoughts and suggestions, listened to their responses and kept a sense of humor, it was much easier for them to listen to my ideas. I learned a lot from those difficult years (while dealing with my late husband's journey with brain cancer), and I hope I won't forget them when it comes time for me to make the hard decisions about my own capabilities. (Oh wait, I'm already doing that!) Keeping a sense of humor about the whole process is my best hope, I think.
Thank you for your honesty about your problem-solving conversation with your parents, Sue, and for this thoughtful look at ageism. One of the things I learned in tending both of my parents was that in their eyes, I would always be their kid, even when they were dependent on me. It was hard for them to admit they needed help, but if I offered thoughts and suggestions, listened to their responses and kept a sense of humor, it was much easier for them to listen to my ideas. I learned a lot from those difficult years (while dealing with my late husband's journey with brain cancer), and I hope I won't forget them when it comes time for me to make the hard decisions about my own capabilities. (Oh wait, I'm already doing that!) Keeping a sense of humor about the whole process is my best hope, I think.
Thank you for your honesty about your problem-solving conversation with your parents, Sue, and for this thoughtful look at ageism. One of the things I learned in tending both of my parents was that in their eyes, I would always be their kid, even when they were dependent on me. It was hard for them to admit they needed help, but if I offered thoughts and suggestions, listened to their responses and kept a sense of humor, it was much easier for them to listen to my ideas. I learned a lot from those difficult years (while dealing with my late husband's journey with brain cancer), and I hope I won't forget them when it comes time for me to make the hard decisions about my own capabilities. (Oh wait, I'm already doing that!) Keeping a sense of humor about the whole process is my best hope, I think.
Thank you for your comment, Susan. An insight I never considered: I was still their kid.
One of the interesting aspects of culture is our reluctance to ask and/or accept help. It's likely part of the "pull up your bootstraps" legacy, but I think it is more profound than that.
During this period, I called my adult son to vent my frustration, and in one phone call, he said: "Wait, slow down, I am taking notes!" It is a good reminder that I, too, need to consider my own abilities and preferences as I age.
My son, who has a wonderful sense of humor, asked, "Why did they view assisted care homes so negatively?" This will be the subject of one of my future newsletters.
I learned pretty quickly in dealing with my parents that they still considered me their kid even though they were relying on me (without acknowledging it). As I wrote in Bless the Birds, my memoir about that journey:
"We never expect to parent our parents, especially not dealing with their shit, metaphorical or literal. And the shift isn’t easy: physically, emotionally, or financially. No matter how lovingly intended, such caregiving is complicated by the fact that our parents rarely cede authority; in their minds, we’re still their kids, even when we’re wiping their butts. If we are fortunate, all concerned will come to a gracious—or at least resigned—acceptance. If not, we will do the best we can."
I ate a lot of chocolate--my comfort food-- the winter my mother was dying and Richard was between his second and third brain surgeries!
Asking for help is definitely not something I do well. My mom used to say, and she wasn't joking, that my first sentence was, "Do it myself!" I am teaching myself that asking for and accepting help doesn't mean you're not strong or capable. It just means you're smart enough to realize you can't do everything.
And I love that your son was taking notes. Yup, he knows he'll be talking about this all with you one day. Good thing he's getting prepared. :)
I like your sensitive and factual examination of ageism. Now that I am joining the ranks of older folks, my mind has been opening to my own attitudes, my own subtle ageist thoughts. Self-awareness matters a great deal--seeing those thoughts, whether I'm directing them toward myself or toward another. That helps me respond to individuals and situations more competently, I hope. At the same time, I cannot dismiss the limitations that age imposes upon me, even as I try to push myself forward in healthy ways. It's a juggling act. Posts such as the one you've just written help us all reflect and increase our awareness. Thank you.
thanks for your comment, Rick. Self-awareness is so important but I find it a bit more challenging when it comes to my aging changes. I hope I am able to easily adjust to the necessary changes as I age.
Thank you for this. Aging is hard to accept, in ourselves and our families. It is especially difficult with parents who are independently minded and continue to be in good health. I have found that it is best, in our family's circumstances, to make it clear I am prepared to help however I can, but allow Mom to carry on as she will. This gives respect for who she is, her abilities and her choices. This also means my sister and I stand by as she may continue to do some things we consider "not appropriate" for her age, like living on an isolated ranch by herself, especially in winters. But for her, it is her life, and we honor that as long as her health allows. In the past, and today in other societies, elders were revered and looked to for wisdom. I think we need to remember this.
You and your sister are following a respectful and wise path by providing emotional support for her choices. I plan to write more about the notion of being an elder in a culture that worships youth.
Thanks for your comment, Jenny.
I have been down this path. My father died with Alzheimer's in 2007. My mother died in 2018 of various illnesses.
Now that I have had time to process all that has happened. Here is what I have learned.
I too only saw my parents from 3,000 miles away ( I lived here in the west Coast. They lived by the Atlantic coast.
When they were younger, only visiting 2x a year , ( or occasionally 1x). Worked FOR ME.
That schedule of me having " eyes on the ground," did not really work so infrequently. I was in denial and so were they.
In retrospect, I needed to be much more involved in the lives as they were in their 80s.
By the time we mutually realized the annual / semi annual visits were not enough, things has degraded.
VERY LONG STORY of trying to honor independence... which is very strong.
They needed my help ( or someone's) long before it became apparent. Once it was apparent... it was way past due. The river of denial runs long and deep. I will regret that forever.
What to do,? Up your visits. Be more engaged.
Are you on all their legal documents. Are you permitted legally to talk with their doctors,,?
Who pays the bills if one of them can't,?
Lots of questions..
No easy answers.
I am sorry. It is very complicated. So many questions to consider.
Your intro about , " my annual visit," woke me up.
Good luck.
Janet Warren
It is a challenging situation when there are thousands of miles between our aging parents and adult children. After several strokes, my mother died at the end of 2021 and it was complicated by the pandemic. My sister who lived near them was able to deal with the some of the day-to-day things but it certainly a challenging time. I can relate to your feelings of regret. One of the motivating factors for starting this substack was to help each other understand how aging changes us. Thanks for your comment, Janet.
Good information and links Sue. Thank you for what you are doing to motivate our thinking about things we all need to bone-up on and be wise about. I plan to come back to this a little later in the week with thoughts on families and getting help when needed.
In the meantime, one sentence in your writing jumped out at me because it was almost exactly what my concerns are for President Biden. The sentence is " .... researchers have determined that if we internalize cultural biases about aging, we can increase anxiety, accelerate cognitive decline, and contribute to depression and loneliness." I truly wish someone who is knowledgeable about aging would speak to this issue as it regards to how Biden is being treated by the media, the Democratic Party and the DC beltway (Who think they are America!). HIs party in particular needs to speak repeatedly about his remarkable ability to move our country in a vigorous growth stream after the doldrums of Covid and the previous president. At least give the man credit for what he has done and still wants to do. I apologize if this offends anyone. I am not saying who anyone should vote for. I am saying we need to be better educated about aging and bullying and being a civil society.
Thank you Sandy for your comment. I am of the view that politics is part of our daily lives and we are fortunate to have the opportunity to voice our opinions. Many on this planet do not have that kind of agency. Your comment about being better educated about aging is the #1 strategy discussed in the the Global Report.
I appreciate this post, Sue, having a father who's 87 with a wife who's 72. She's our buffer (for my sister and me) for his experience in the world. She caters to his every need.
She recently had breast cancer surgery (successful), but that was a wake-up call for both of us.
Our dad can still drive, but his wife does the bulk of that, as well as taking care of everything from meals to finances. He was a professor until 70, retired, then has continued to exercise and be relatively fit (I rode bikes with him last summer).
But I'm mindful that if she weren't able to take care of him, my sister and I will step in. We managed our mother's 10-year disability after some curious illness that left her paralyzed at 54. It's traumatic to even write that, I realize.
But definitely ageism is a thing. And we need to consider it in ourselves, too, I've realized. There's no reason for me to be fearful about being 69. Yes, I have aches and pains, but otherwise, I'm doing fine. And my hubbie, who's 71 , seems like he has abundant energy, and can work all day in the garden and go on long bike rides, with just a few aches and pains.
We have a similar situation: my partner's mother is 84 and her husband is 75 and he has been her partner through breast cancer, bladder cancer, and a hip replacement.
Being more aware of how older people are percieved and treated is the first step to ensuring that as we age, we are treated with respect and compassion.
Thanks for your comment, Lisa.