Remembering Our Loved Ones
Samhain, All Hallowtide, & Day of the Dead
Something woke me, an anxiety running through my body while camping at the Christopher Creek Campground in the Tonto National Forest in Arizona. I felt nauseous, so I quickly unzipped the tent door and stood outside, breathing the October mountain air. I looked up to see a brilliant collection of stars, and a memory emerged. I was young, standing with my grandfather in his Wisconsin backyard, looking at the stars in the sky. Perhaps he was the one who pointed out how to identify the Big Dipper. The memory is vague in details, but the moment inspired a continued fascination with the night sky.
Still unsure what was wrong with me, I crawled back into the tent and slept an agitated few hours before my son, husband, and I arose. We ate a quick breakfast, packed camp, and headed down to the Phoenix Valley. It was 1989, and omnipresent cell phones were not a thing yet. Once home, I called my mom, and she tearfully told me that my grandfather had died during the previous night. She described how she had visited her father in the hospice care center and held his hand while quietly talking to him. His nurse believed he quietly died around midnight.
It was around midnight when I stood outside my tent, looking up at the stars he had introduced me to decades before.
Did he wake me to say goodbye?
My relationship with my grandfather was loving and joyful. He loved singing “Oh Susanna” to me, and his smile always greeted me when I visited. At age 78, he suffered both a heart attack and a stroke, and his death was expected. The grief I experienced was profound, but I found solace looking to the stars on clear nights, saying hello to my beloved Grandpa. Since his death, I have experienced two other heart-wrenching deaths: my husband of thirty years in 2011 and my mother, who died the day before my birthday in December 2021. They are now included in my nocturnal greetings to the dark sky.
“Sometimes while gazing at the night’s sky, I imagine stars looking down making wishes on the brightest of us.” Richelle E. Goodrich
I don’t follow a religious tradition and don’t have faith that there is a heaven and hell. But I can see the stars and live a life grounded in the work of the seasons. My appreciation of the natural world and commitment to a slower, simple lifestyle led me to the Celtic Wheel of the Year and its nature-focused seasonal celebrations. I don’t practice many rituals except to make space and time to honor the gifts from nature.
Samhain - Summer’s End
My summer garden is harvested and prepped for another winter’s rest. Samhain (pronounced sow-in) is the October 31 Celtic festival that celebrates the end of the harvest season and the beginning of the dark northern winter. Some historians believe it lasted three days and included food, drink, music, and bonfires. One of the primary beliefs is that the veil between our world and the underworld is thinnest during this time, allowing maleficent spirits to return and roam among the living. This belief extended to family members who had died, and as Samhain evolved, there was more emphasis on honoring, not fearing, the dead. Learn more about Samhain.
All Hallowtide - Holy Festival
As Christianity took root, some scholars believe that the Church absorbed the pagan Samhain holiday to help convert the Celts by creating holy days to honor saints instead of nature. All Hallowtide begins on the eve of October 31st and continues through November 2nd. All Saints Day is November 1st, and Western Christian church services are held in several countries. Observers often visit the graves of loved ones on this day. All Soul’s Day is November 2nd and was created to honor “all Faithful Christians who have departed.” Learn more about All Hallowtide.
Dia de los Muertos - Day of the Dead
In Mexico, families gather on November 1st and 2nd to celebrate the Day of the Dead. Many families create altars in their homes and public places, placing photos of loved ones who have died, flowers, candles, memorabilia, and favorite foods and drinks. They may also visit the graves of loved ones, bring food, and share humorous stories. It’s a joyous celebration and filled with colorful decorations. Learn more about the Day of the Dead.
In our country of immigrants and families separated by relocations, many rituals and traditions disappear. American culture venerates veterans each year on November 11th, but we lack a tradition of remembering all of our loved ones who have died. I am sure some families have created rituals of remembrance, sharing memories, funny stories, and sad truths. My small family suffered the disconnection of estrangement on the paternal side and the silence of secrets and dysfunction on the maternal side. My grandparents are buried in Mesa, AZ, and I have only visited their graves once in 35 years. I couldn’t remember the cemetery's name where they were buried, but I found it through the website findagrave.com.
Traditional burials have become expensive, and cremation is now preferred by 55% of Americans. My husband and mother were both cremated, and families have created different rituals for the ashes of loved ones. Has cremation changed how we remember our loved ones?
Traditions and rituals often change as we age. When my son was younger, and we lived in the city, trick-or-treating was the primary activity for Halloween. Over the years, I have created a few simple traditions to celebrate the transition from the season of light to the season of darkness. This October 31, I am planning a simple Samhain celebration, focusing on food, drink, and modern entertainment.
Food: One of my mom’s favorite foods was mashed potatoes, so I am making this pumpkin pot pie, replacing the pie crust with mashed potatoes to honor my mom.
Drink: Autumn is apple cider time, so I plan to make one of these Fall Mocktails.
Dessert: Last year, I made Soul Cakes from a recipe on the beautiful Gather Victoria website. I substituted dried cherries and dates for the foraged berries. They are on the menu again. Denise writes extensively about past European cultural and culinary traditions on her website, and I have made several of her recipes.
Entertainment: While prepping and cooking, I’ll listen to Poe’s “The Raven & The Tell-tale Heart " recordings at the All-classical radio station.
A long-time fan of Prairie Home Companion, I also like Garrison Keillor’s reading of The Raven because of the moody background music.
A fire in the woodstove will substitute for the bonfire. After dinner, I plan to watch the The Wizard of Oz. My childhood memories of watching this each year are that it was near Halloween. Those flying monkeys terrified me!
Before turning in, I will step outside to say goodnight to the loved ones no longer here.
Our friends among the dead now live where time and space are transfigured. They behold us now in ways they never could have when they lived beside us on earth. Because they live near the source of destiny, their blessings for us are accurate and penetrating, offering a divine illumination not available according to the calculations of the given visible world. Perhaps one of the surprises of death will be a retrospective view of the lives we lived here and to see how our friends among the dead clothed us in weave after weave of blessing.
John O’Donohue - To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings
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I am curious about how people remember their departed loved ones. Do you have any rituals or traditions? Please share in the comments.
Sue this late October time of year always seems special to me and I thank you for your reflections of what it means to you. I am looking forward to trying the Pumpkin Pot Pie and Soul Cakes!
I had two unexpected experiences of becoming weak. Once when walking home with my groceries and the other while at home. In both cases I had to sit down while I recovered enough to get up. It turned out at both of these times. my father was fighting for his life. He had fallen from the roof of his home the first time and the second time had disturbed a nest of bees which stung him many times leaving him barely able for breath. My mother had quickly become aware of him in both cases and called 911 which is the only thing that saved him. I cannot but think that the weakness I felt on both of those occasions was my tie to him being shaken.
Change & Death is shown to us through our elders, dogs, & Nature. It is important to become still & rest after we have worked & harvested the land. Missing what once was & welcoming the new. “The darkness and the light are both alike unto Thee.” Psalm 139:12