Revising A Dream

Making a Plan

In 2019, my sister, who lived near our parents in Arizona, called me and told me neither of them should be driving. My mother weaved in and out of lanes, and my stepdad drove too fast, quickly moving in and out of lanes without always checking what was behind him. Worse, she told me that our mom had called her several times and asked her to go to the Walmart parking lot to check on my stepdad because she feared he may have fallen asleep in the car.

Sure enough, he had drifted off in his car. In 110F degrees.

He was taking a new medication that caused drowsiness, and it clearly said on the prescription not to drive. My sister had offered to do their grocery shopping, but they said they liked shopping. Besides, they were fine. They accused my sister of overreacting. And when I called to talk to them about our concerns, they repeated the mantra of denial. They were fine; my sister was overreacting. 

I contacted a free senior advisor service, and the advisor explained that this is one of the most difficult times for families. He asked me a series of questions about my parents, and based on my responses, he indicated they needed to be in an assisted living scenario. In March 2020, I flew to AZ to visit them, armed with a folder of information about senior housing options, free transportation for medical appointments, and how to order groceries online for delivery. I waited a few days, then corralled them into the living room and presented all the beneficial information I had gathered.

They said no to everything. They were fine. 

They weren’t moving, they weren’t giving up driving, and they liked shopping. I was furious at their stubborn refusal to discuss this stage of their lives. I went for a long walk, and when I returned, I asked them, “What’s your plan for aging in your home? How are you going to care for yourselves? What happens when you can’t drive anymore?” Looking blankly at me, they said, “We’re fine. We will figure that out when it happens.” In hindsight, I realized my strategy was too aggressive: I was trying to solve a problem they didn’t see as one. I hadn’t considered their attachment to their home and their independence. I don’t think any strategy would have changed their minds, but I learned much about my approach.

Their lack of a plan eventually created some significant challenges as their health and mobility declined, causing considerable stress for my sister and me.

On my flight home, I ruminated about their situation, and then it hit me—I didn’t have a plan either—at least not an updated one. I had pursued a dream with little thought given to the reality of my own aging. 

When I moved to my little homestead (described in A Place Called Home) at age 50, I vaguely believed this would be my last home. I had achieved a long-term dream: to live out in the woods in the foothills on a small acreage and create a slower and creative lifestyle. During the last year, I’ve been contemplating whether I wanted to stay here as I aged.

A thick layer of ice on top of the 3 ft of snow completed January’s weather adventure.

Fast forward to January 2024: Several winter storms brought three feet of snow, blizzard warnings, single-digit temperatures, and freezing rain that coated the beautiful Douglas firs surrounding my house. Power was off and on for a week, the snowblower broke, and the long driveway was not plowed for two days. Then a front from the south moved in and the ice on the trees started to melt: one small tree fell on the house (no damage), a beautiful blue spruce fell over and a much larger Douglas fir is leaning so much that one more ice storm or a hefty gust of wind will bring it down. As the snow melts, I discovered many small trees and branches that fell or broke. This morning, I stepped outside in the pre-dawn darkness to let the dog out, slipped on the ice-coated steps, fell on my butt, using my right hand to help break the fall. Thankfully, I didn’t break my wrist, but it is hurting. Tough winter or signs I should heed?

No more mulling; the message is clear. I need to revise my dream and create a plan that will allow me to live a more manageable lifestyle as I age.

Essential Community Factors As I Age

Throughout my life, I have moved around with little thought or plan. I want this move to be a revised version of my dream and lifestyle and must include a flexible plan for aging. I created a list of essential factors that I desire for my aging years.

Geography/Climate

I love the PNW and want to stay in Washington State, but I plan to move back to the west side of the Cascades Mountains, where, yes, it rains all the time (not really, but more than many people like). I spent twenty years on the west side and don’t mind the rain. 

Climate change is here to stay, and its impacts are already being felt. I can’t escape its effects, but I can move to a place that won’t feel it as much. I hope.

Community Size

I live in a village of about 3000 people, which has its benefits, but I would like a slightly bigger community with access to more nearby resources. I don’t want to live in a big city or its suburbs, but easy access to a big city would be a bonus.

Outdoor Recreation, Urban Parks, & Fitness Centers

I am an avid walker, hiker, and camper, so living close to trails, forests, open spaces, and parks is mandatory. It’s a big part of my lifestyle and physical and mental wellness. A YMCA or fitness center with a pool would be a big plus!

Affordable Housing

This issue has become a massive problem throughout North America, with several recent studies indicating that homes in 99% of the US are unaffordable for anyone making less than $75,000. Renters spend as much as 50% of their monthly income on housing. Boomers are not downsizing and moving; they stay put because they can’t find affordable, smaller homes. A shortage of 10 million housing units contributes to the problem, but I also blame the government for not planning for this increasing problem. Where is the vision for planned housing development? I will often return to this affordable housing issue because of its profound implications for an aging population. Rural areas like mine will be hit the hardest; many of my neighbors are retirees who escaped the cities.

Though I hope that I will not have to consider assisted living, it needs to be part of my plan, so I will be looking for the availability of shared or assisted housing in my research.

Healthcare Services

Many Americans probably aren’t aware of the dearth of healthcare services in small rural communities. I am seeking a community that offers a variety of healthcare options, including functional medicine. As America ages, the demand for healthcare will increase, so I am paying attention to communities that have larger populations of seniors because there will likely be more healthcare options.

Walkability/Public Transportation

This is another issue in America, especially in the Western states. But ideally, I would like to walk or take a bus to shopping, restaurants, and events. 

Local Food Economy

This may sound odd as an essential factor, but I am a big proponent of supporting locally produced food, which is healthier. I will be giving up a 4000 sq ft garden that has supplied a good chunk of my food each year. As much as I love growing food, my body has been telling me it’s time to rethink this part of my life. In parts of the PNW, there is a growing collection of small farmers, orchardists, market growers, and ranchers using sustainable and organic methods to create healthy food to be sold locally. I seek a community with a weekly farmers’ market, community-supported agriculture shares, farmstands, community gardens, and locally raised and pastured animal products. A local food economy also increases the resilience of a community. 

Cultural: Library, Live Music, Theater

I use the library weekly and like to attend presentations and discussions hosted by libraries. Music and theater productions are a big plus.

Senior Center & Services

Senior centers offer community connections, classes, and activities. If you haven’t heard yet, America is a lonely place, and seniors can become isolated quickly. One key factor in the quality of life of elders is their connection to others.

“If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace.” ~Yogi Berra

This list is specific to my interests, concerns, and lifestyle. I'd like to encourage you to be proactive and create a list of factors to help keep you comfortable in your elder years. 

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What concerns do you have about your quality of life in your elder years? What can you do to ease your lifestyle in your elder years? Share your thoughts in the comments.