I think maybe I am becoming more introverted as I age, and I'm fine with this. Maybe it's more that I finally accept who I am. For years, I felt like I was "less than" because I am an introvert and not an extrovert. I no longer feel I am "less than".
I have to mention that the 5-3-1 idea you mentioned above does indeed sound exhausting! No interest here.
I appreciate your article. It's nice to feel seen.
thank you for your comment, Nancy. Many introverts have spent a lifetime feeling unseen while in the shadows of extroverts. And often we often felt judged by others because of our introversion.
Thanks for the article, Sue! I learned later in life, that I was actually an introvert. I used to think something was wrong with me because I dreaded parties. Now that I know myself better, I enjoy life so much more! I do feel inspired and enriched by my friendships and I love time alone in nature as well. Yoga provides my community connection and I've found some friends who like to hike so this is my year for new adventures!
I had to laugh, when you wrote "daily?" I had just done a double-take, thinking that was good interaction for a week at least! I don't know that I'm more introverted now, but I get the opportunity to live my introversion more than when I worked. Thanks for an interesting article!
Really interesting Sue. Thank you for that. I'm not sure how introverted I am but I face the same dichotomy of being able to stand in front of an audience of thousands and deliver my thoughts, some say eloquently, whilst being unable to make small talk with a small group at a dinner party. If I go into a room with ten or twenty people clutching their glasses of white wine I tend to freeze and escape at the first opportunity. I guess in the first scenario I know that I'm in control, and maybe that has something to do with it.
I think you nailed it: when I present, I am prepared and have control over the content. But at a dinner party? That's where the Shhh...I'm thinking comes in...
I really relate to what you’re sharing. I think I am getting more introverted as I get older. I’m certainly getting more sensitive (to noise, scents, heat, cold, chaos, crowds, and other forms of stimulation). At least *I* call it sensitive. A former boyfriend called it intolerant, and maybe he wasn’t wrong. 🙃
But as I age I also understand myself better and am better at creating boundaries (saying “no” to those parties I won’t enjoy) and am more accepting of who I am. I’m pretty comfortable in my skin these days. (I’m also pretty comfortable on my sofa with my dog and books in front of the fireplace.)
I only disagreed with your piece when you said you “live in your head more than you should.” I’ll bet there’s a lot of interesting stuff going on in there—who’s to say it’s too much?
Thank you for sharing this piece. I enjoyed it and I felt seen. 💜
Thank you, Suzanne. I do think we can become more sensitive/intolerant as we age. Past experiences help us to create boundaries and limits. And for me, aging has made me aware of how precious time is and my desire to spend it in ways that I find pleasurable.
Your observation about living my head is interesting; I realize now that I have been told that for most of my life and view it as negative as my statement reflects. And you are right - who's to say it's too much? Thanks for noting that!
I have to snicker a bit reading this, Sue, because this is something I think about a lot. I'm the opposite of what you write about--I am an introvert by the circumstances of life in a very rural, remote place. But the older I get, the more of an extrovert I become.
I am not surprised by this. We adapt to our circumstances, as Jung noted. Could be that you are more of an ambivert - a balance of both introvert and extrovert.
A few years after I moved my spot in the country, a friend who is highly extroverted and active in her urban life, drove a couple hours to visit and see my new home. I showed her around and then we sat outside to chat. She then asked what exactly I do here. Later, she commented, I guess you can get used to the quiet. We still chuckle about that day...though she has never returned!
I feel all of this deeply. I can't tell you how many times I was asked 'What's wrong?" as a kid, simply because I didn't feel the need to talk a lot. I was an observer. I also now realize I was psychic, but didn't know that is what it was because it was normal to me.
I have found a nice balance of in person and virtual interaction with friends. I am don't enjoy social activities, but I do enjoy doing things with others centered on shared interests, so I go to a yoga studio a few times a week and on monthly plant walks, for example.
Appreciate your thoughts here, Sue. As an unapologetic introvert, I am embracing my post-career life and the opportunity to let go of the need to be "on" every day. I am careful with my schedule and intentional about carving out time for solitude as needed (and it's needed a lot.) Grateful for these latter years.
Like Karen, I'm glad for the lessening of obligations as I get older and look forward to days when I have no "outside" obligations of any kind. I left an academic career for full-time writing at midlife and absolutely loved the long stretches of people-free time.(This was before the internet, so the time was truly people-free.) When I married again, I married an off-the-scale introvert--a happy, satisfying arrangement that enables us to be alone, together. And when COVID came, we had to make only a few adjustments. Thank you for this post, Sue--an important topic that too often gets addressed negatively.
Thank you, Susan. I love the phrase " to be alone, together." My partner is more introverted than I am, making it much easier for us to be alone together. Our experience with COVID was similar; we were already working from home, with no real social obligations, so we had little to adjust to.
Yes! I am currently (and often) unpartnered, but if I were to partner up with someone again I would help for someone who knows how to be alone together. 💜
I'm not sure I'm more introverted now than when I was younger. I, like you, developed the skills to live a partially extroverted life of teaching, giving presentations, organizing programs, being a facilitator, etc. etc. during my paid-work life..
Now, at almost 70, having more than two "scheduled" things a day sometimes seems like too much fit into the daily routines and to-do necessities, much less an attempt to continue creative practice of writing and art. Three additional things a day for several days in a row seems even more stressful...even if they're fun things, such as online book club, or French conversation practice, or doing a journal post.
I feel the need to have as much flow and spaciousness in my day as I can muster in these unsettled times.
Thank you, Lisa. Overstimulation is the culprit for that feeling of overwhelm. Because I live 30 minutes out of town, I usually take one long day every other week or so to do appts, errands, and sometimes lunch with a friend. By the time I get home, I am exhausted after engaging with various people. And you are right about the stress of unsettled times - most of the people I talk with are feeling the effects, and it is changing interactions.
Always enjoy your writing as a former colleague and fellow introvert. Amazing how many interests we have in common.
I think as I age I’m not more introverted, but I feel less obligated to respond to social events that are unfulfilling. Finding people who share my passions, even if those people are few in number, is infinitely more fulfilling than a dreaded party!
Thank you, Karen. I agree with your observation that our priorities and obligations change. I could have written an extended essay on this topic and may follow up with a second essay.
I'm with you about needing a lot of alone time, Sue. And not enjoying group socializing, whether parties or conferences or political rallies, for that matter. But I do still give talks and teach workshops from time to time. And I enjoy small group socializing (five or six people max). So I very much appreciate your thoughts on keeping that balance between the solitude that calms our systems and maintaining a community as we age. I'm not sure exactly where the line is for me, but I do cherish being able to live alone and have lots of time to practice my terraphilia on long solitary walks, planting native plants in my too-lawned yard, and reading and thinking. Solitude is nourishing; group socializing not so much unless it's a really small group. I wonder, too, where socializing virtually fits in the picture of healthy aging. I text or talk on the phone with friends and family multiple times every day, and I know those connections are nurturing, if perhaps not as much as face-to-face ones are. At any rate, it's an important balance to keep track of, as you make so clear in this post. Thank you!
I relate! I have realized my max number for the best socializing is four. And that includes me. 🙂 If they are very close friends, I find it nurturing. If they aren’t, I might find it fun (hopefully), but also draining.
Suzanne, I didn't think of including myself in that max number, but I should have. You're right: if they're close friends or for me, family, that kind of socializing can be nurturing and enriching. Strangers are another story, and I might find inspiration and connection, but as you say, it's also draining. Good to know our limits, isn't it?
Thank you for commenting, Susan. Group socializing is exhausting for me - I can do it, but it's not my ideal scenario. I am considering following up on this topic with thoughts on digital connections' role in our social bonds. I rely on texting quite a bit, and I also engage in Substack discussions and both of these activities have connected me to more people regularly.
Sue, I'll be interested to read your thoughts on digital communications and social bonds if you do write on it. I don't love texting, though it's a big part of staying connected to the younger generation in my family and my younger friends. It's just not like a conversation because it doesn't encourage deep thinking. Substack is much more satisfying than any other kind of digital "socializing" because it does tend to go deeper and feel more like actual conversations.
Hi Sue,
I think maybe I am becoming more introverted as I age, and I'm fine with this. Maybe it's more that I finally accept who I am. For years, I felt like I was "less than" because I am an introvert and not an extrovert. I no longer feel I am "less than".
I have to mention that the 5-3-1 idea you mentioned above does indeed sound exhausting! No interest here.
I appreciate your article. It's nice to feel seen.
thank you for your comment, Nancy. Many introverts have spent a lifetime feeling unseen while in the shadows of extroverts. And often we often felt judged by others because of our introversion.
Hooray for fellow introverts💖!
Thanks for the article, Sue! I learned later in life, that I was actually an introvert. I used to think something was wrong with me because I dreaded parties. Now that I know myself better, I enjoy life so much more! I do feel inspired and enriched by my friendships and I love time alone in nature as well. Yoga provides my community connection and I've found some friends who like to hike so this is my year for new adventures!
I had to laugh, when you wrote "daily?" I had just done a double-take, thinking that was good interaction for a week at least! I don't know that I'm more introverted now, but I get the opportunity to live my introversion more than when I worked. Thanks for an interesting article!
Really interesting Sue. Thank you for that. I'm not sure how introverted I am but I face the same dichotomy of being able to stand in front of an audience of thousands and deliver my thoughts, some say eloquently, whilst being unable to make small talk with a small group at a dinner party. If I go into a room with ten or twenty people clutching their glasses of white wine I tend to freeze and escape at the first opportunity. I guess in the first scenario I know that I'm in control, and maybe that has something to do with it.
I think you nailed it: when I present, I am prepared and have control over the content. But at a dinner party? That's where the Shhh...I'm thinking comes in...
I really relate to what you’re sharing. I think I am getting more introverted as I get older. I’m certainly getting more sensitive (to noise, scents, heat, cold, chaos, crowds, and other forms of stimulation). At least *I* call it sensitive. A former boyfriend called it intolerant, and maybe he wasn’t wrong. 🙃
But as I age I also understand myself better and am better at creating boundaries (saying “no” to those parties I won’t enjoy) and am more accepting of who I am. I’m pretty comfortable in my skin these days. (I’m also pretty comfortable on my sofa with my dog and books in front of the fireplace.)
I only disagreed with your piece when you said you “live in your head more than you should.” I’ll bet there’s a lot of interesting stuff going on in there—who’s to say it’s too much?
Thank you for sharing this piece. I enjoyed it and I felt seen. 💜
Thank you, Suzanne. I do think we can become more sensitive/intolerant as we age. Past experiences help us to create boundaries and limits. And for me, aging has made me aware of how precious time is and my desire to spend it in ways that I find pleasurable.
Your observation about living my head is interesting; I realize now that I have been told that for most of my life and view it as negative as my statement reflects. And you are right - who's to say it's too much? Thanks for noting that!
I have to snicker a bit reading this, Sue, because this is something I think about a lot. I'm the opposite of what you write about--I am an introvert by the circumstances of life in a very rural, remote place. But the older I get, the more of an extrovert I become.
I am not surprised by this. We adapt to our circumstances, as Jung noted. Could be that you are more of an ambivert - a balance of both introvert and extrovert.
A few years after I moved my spot in the country, a friend who is highly extroverted and active in her urban life, drove a couple hours to visit and see my new home. I showed her around and then we sat outside to chat. She then asked what exactly I do here. Later, she commented, I guess you can get used to the quiet. We still chuckle about that day...though she has never returned!
I once told someone who thought I was mad at her, “If I see you once a month, you’re my best friend.”
I love this, Donna! Thank you for sharing it. I can totally relate!
I feel all of this deeply. I can't tell you how many times I was asked 'What's wrong?" as a kid, simply because I didn't feel the need to talk a lot. I was an observer. I also now realize I was psychic, but didn't know that is what it was because it was normal to me.
I have found a nice balance of in person and virtual interaction with friends. I am don't enjoy social activities, but I do enjoy doing things with others centered on shared interests, so I go to a yoga studio a few times a week and on monthly plant walks, for example.
Thank you for this piece 💗
If we had a dollar for every time we were asked "what's wrong..."
Another aspect for many introverts (and extroverts too) is the highly sensitive trait which I am realizing is very much part of my personality. Elaine Aron has led the research on this: https://aeon.co/essays/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-highly-sensitive-person
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Maria.
Appreciate your thoughts here, Sue. As an unapologetic introvert, I am embracing my post-career life and the opportunity to let go of the need to be "on" every day. I am careful with my schedule and intentional about carving out time for solitude as needed (and it's needed a lot.) Grateful for these latter years.
Actually I just remembered my Substack bio identifies me as an unapologetic introvert as well!
We are kindreds, indeed!
My LinkedIn profile actually identifies me as an “unapologetic introvert!” We’re kindred spirits. 🙂
Like Karen, I'm glad for the lessening of obligations as I get older and look forward to days when I have no "outside" obligations of any kind. I left an academic career for full-time writing at midlife and absolutely loved the long stretches of people-free time.(This was before the internet, so the time was truly people-free.) When I married again, I married an off-the-scale introvert--a happy, satisfying arrangement that enables us to be alone, together. And when COVID came, we had to make only a few adjustments. Thank you for this post, Sue--an important topic that too often gets addressed negatively.
Thank you, Susan. I love the phrase " to be alone, together." My partner is more introverted than I am, making it much easier for us to be alone together. Our experience with COVID was similar; we were already working from home, with no real social obligations, so we had little to adjust to.
Yes! I am currently (and often) unpartnered, but if I were to partner up with someone again I would help for someone who knows how to be alone together. 💜
I'm not sure I'm more introverted now than when I was younger. I, like you, developed the skills to live a partially extroverted life of teaching, giving presentations, organizing programs, being a facilitator, etc. etc. during my paid-work life..
Now, at almost 70, having more than two "scheduled" things a day sometimes seems like too much fit into the daily routines and to-do necessities, much less an attempt to continue creative practice of writing and art. Three additional things a day for several days in a row seems even more stressful...even if they're fun things, such as online book club, or French conversation practice, or doing a journal post.
I feel the need to have as much flow and spaciousness in my day as I can muster in these unsettled times.
Thank you, Lisa. Overstimulation is the culprit for that feeling of overwhelm. Because I live 30 minutes out of town, I usually take one long day every other week or so to do appts, errands, and sometimes lunch with a friend. By the time I get home, I am exhausted after engaging with various people. And you are right about the stress of unsettled times - most of the people I talk with are feeling the effects, and it is changing interactions.
Always enjoy your writing as a former colleague and fellow introvert. Amazing how many interests we have in common.
I think as I age I’m not more introverted, but I feel less obligated to respond to social events that are unfulfilling. Finding people who share my passions, even if those people are few in number, is infinitely more fulfilling than a dreaded party!
Thank you, Karen. I agree with your observation that our priorities and obligations change. I could have written an extended essay on this topic and may follow up with a second essay.
I'm with you about needing a lot of alone time, Sue. And not enjoying group socializing, whether parties or conferences or political rallies, for that matter. But I do still give talks and teach workshops from time to time. And I enjoy small group socializing (five or six people max). So I very much appreciate your thoughts on keeping that balance between the solitude that calms our systems and maintaining a community as we age. I'm not sure exactly where the line is for me, but I do cherish being able to live alone and have lots of time to practice my terraphilia on long solitary walks, planting native plants in my too-lawned yard, and reading and thinking. Solitude is nourishing; group socializing not so much unless it's a really small group. I wonder, too, where socializing virtually fits in the picture of healthy aging. I text or talk on the phone with friends and family multiple times every day, and I know those connections are nurturing, if perhaps not as much as face-to-face ones are. At any rate, it's an important balance to keep track of, as you make so clear in this post. Thank you!
I relate! I have realized my max number for the best socializing is four. And that includes me. 🙂 If they are very close friends, I find it nurturing. If they aren’t, I might find it fun (hopefully), but also draining.
Suzanne, I didn't think of including myself in that max number, but I should have. You're right: if they're close friends or for me, family, that kind of socializing can be nurturing and enriching. Strangers are another story, and I might find inspiration and connection, but as you say, it's also draining. Good to know our limits, isn't it?
Thank you for commenting, Susan. Group socializing is exhausting for me - I can do it, but it's not my ideal scenario. I am considering following up on this topic with thoughts on digital connections' role in our social bonds. I rely on texting quite a bit, and I also engage in Substack discussions and both of these activities have connected me to more people regularly.
Sue, I'll be interested to read your thoughts on digital communications and social bonds if you do write on it. I don't love texting, though it's a big part of staying connected to the younger generation in my family and my younger friends. It's just not like a conversation because it doesn't encourage deep thinking. Substack is much more satisfying than any other kind of digital "socializing" because it does tend to go deeper and feel more like actual conversations.